angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Just why bro?!
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.