RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
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if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
can’t believe I got front row seats
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”