I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
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professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Somebody call the cops.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.