*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
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*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I鈥檓 sick of going to the beach
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Dogs look like they鈥檝e received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you鈥檇 cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 馃檨
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I鈥檓 their teacher.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Me: It鈥檚 so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn鈥檛 stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.