Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
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Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”