Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
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Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*