[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
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“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?