Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
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Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I love you…
…r dog.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.