Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Well, this explains it:
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.