If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
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Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
no
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I thought this was funny lol
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.