Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
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Canada has crack?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Merry Christmas
Well, this explains it:
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit