My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
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Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)