Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
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Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you