I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
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[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
.. do you even science?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him