In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
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just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets