doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
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I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
relationship goals
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me