Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
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To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Google assistant rules
Dietest Coke
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.