Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
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having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”