*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
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I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
*looks at you in batman voice*
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Guilty! 🤪
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.