[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
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Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”