Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.