I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
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I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
They’re on their honeymoon
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”