Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
A double negative is a big no-no.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?