I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
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“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.