Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
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Knock Knock
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?