Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Admin smashed it 😂
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Unimpressed
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.