Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
You Might Also Like
FRED: right
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic