Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
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Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.