don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
You Might Also Like
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
May have had one breakfast too many
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet