If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
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Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Smells like a challenge to me
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Okay
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
i baked you a cake