I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!