Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
You Might Also Like
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Not today, today.
Not today.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota