People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
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Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Current mood: Potato
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
#SuperBowl
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin