why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
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*bites zombie*
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
fr
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???