My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
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me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?