Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
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detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.