Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
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I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Lol #dogsoftwitter
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming