“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
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I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Banking tips
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too