I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
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Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
favorite tropes as memes
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Story of my life…..
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”