[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
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Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Writing, She Murdered.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card