A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
You Might Also Like
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
How do dragons blow out candles?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.