Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
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*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
hey, alexa
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.