If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
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My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats