When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
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snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.