*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
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[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”