What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
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Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.