Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
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The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.