Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
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My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?