[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
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I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀