My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
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<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
felt that
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.